Ah yes...Budget day! A day of clenching, wincing and eye rolling awaits, as Michael Noonan either tightens or loosens his grip on the country’s financial extremities with the dour delivery of a recently clamped funeral director.
So whilst he’s squeezing our middle, fiddling with our bottom rates and generally dropping the hand into our pockets we thought we’d come up with our own far more important and impactful budget.
1. The Bandwagon Tax
With the country now awash with patriotic pride and anguish over our national rugby and soccer teams pulsating fortunes on the field of dreams, it has given rise to a sharp increase in the rates of Bandwagoning occurring throughout the country. Opportunistic ‘fans’ are taking advantage of the high levels of sporting euphoria circulating by flooding an already saturated market with surface knowledge, empty chants and half-hearted hashtagging. The tax will be imposed at source with each person in a green jersey who approaches a barman for a pint being asked no less than 3 medium to hard quiz questions about whichever code they are there to cheer. Every question they get wrong will result in the imposition of an extra 50 cent on the price of said drink. We are expecting the Bandwagon Tax to generate €4 Billion by the end of the Argentina game.
2. ATM Delay Tax
With Mr Noonan instigating a 12 cent charge on every ATM transaction we feel he has missed a unique opportunity to penalise those take effing ages at the ATM. You should be charged a cent a second from the moment your card is accepted and this will therefore minimise those who use this time and place to discuss how cute the new lad in accounts is, change their mind on how much they actually wish to withdraw and generally show utter disregard for the plans/toilet needs of those behind them.
3. The Sound Allowance
The improvement in the country’s finances has seen a dramatic increase of C.T.R or Celtic Tiger Rudeness. Today FM would introduce a Sound Allowance to encourage growth in the area of general soundness. This includes a decrease in the price of a pint for those who make room at a crowded counter for you to order, hand your keys/wallet into the bouncer and respect the beer mat atop the pint glass rule. Those randomers who guide you in and out of a tight parking spot, hand you a usable train ticket at the station or let you into traffic, can all avail of the Sound Allowance.
4. A Duck Face Tax
The time has come! Having to endure the scourge of selfies that are polluting the country will result in the introduction of the DFT or Duck Face Tax. Funds will be made available for an army of ‘Selfie Inspectors’ that will be empowered to shut down the taking of a selfie in public spaces such as bars, clubs, busses, festivals and mirrors in pub toilets. On the spot fines of forced posting of photographs of the individual of how they ACTUALLY look from below will be enforced without prejudice. The use of a selfie stick will result in an instant 12 month ban from an social media activity.
5. Awful Word Tax
Words such as ‘Chillax’ , ‘Totes’, ‘Amazeballs’, ‘Moist’, ‘Nom’, ‘Hollibobs’, ‘Hubby’ and the dreaded ‘Banter’ will be hit with a usage charge with a view to a full phasing out by 2018.
