"I'd rather nail my nuts to a tree"

Silly, depraved, brainless, crass, gruesome... brilliant, compelling, riveting, addictive. These are some of the ways I’ve seen Love Island being described in the past, and having never watched any previous series, I decided I would give it a go this year. More people applied to be on Love Island than applied to Oxford and Cambrigde combined in the UK, so what is the fascination behind this steamy reality TV show?

In a nutshell: I haven’t a clue. It’s awful! For those who haven’t watched, young men and women pair off as they hope to win 50K at the end of 8 weeks. A week in, and I find it’s like watching 7 year olds in the playground. It goes a little something like this:

  • I like you.
  • I like you too.
  • Let’s give this a try.

After 2 days of “liking” each other, they break up. Huh?

Also, if you have a spare ounce of fat on you, don’t even bother applying. These people are beautiful and sculpted and normal people are neither welcome nor celebrated.

I wasn’t the only person to be perplexed (and honestly, a bit disgusted) by this programme. Lots of you out there would rather do anything than watch Love Island.


  • “I’d rather watch Fair City than Love Island... and that’s saying something!” - Freddie


  • “Hey Paula! I'd rather watch Piers Morgan and Katie Hopkins for a day, than watch Love Island for an hour, and they are some Douche Bags!” - Jim


  • “I’d rather nail my nuts to a tree than endure any more of it. Pure scutter!” - Des on the way to Cork from Wexford 


  • “I'd rather slide down a razor blade and use my balls as brakes then watch Love Island!” - Jaime in Mayo


  • “I'd rather do a parachute jump from 35000 ft without the parachute only a plastic bag to help me than watch Love Island!” - Trevor Mc


  • “I’d rather go back to relive my awkward teenage years than watch an episode of quasi-celebrity Love Island!”


  • “Hi Paula I rather have a cup of tea with my mother in law!” - Dave


  • “I would rather listen to Nathan Carter for a week than watch Love Island. Now that is torture!” - John in Killarney


  • “I'd rather get up and go to work at this hour than watch Love Island!” - Robert in Tipp


  • “Paula, I'd rather cut the grass that watch that rubbish and God knows I hate cutting grass!”


  • “I would rather dislocate my knee and suck my big toe while watching the magic roundabout, like I was 5. I'm now 45.” - Michael


  • “Paula, I'd rather try to have a intelligent conversion with Donald Trump than watch that drivel” - Kieran in Clonmel


  • “I would rather listen to the Frozen soundtrack on repeat for twelve days”


  • “I’d rather sit through the Wicklow/Cavan match again than watch love island! Dire, dire stuff!” - Joe a disillusioned Wicklow fan


  • “Pluck my eyelashes with rusted tweezers”


  • “Hi Paula I would rather sit in a room with 50 overtired, cranky kids than watch Love Island” - Derek in Tipperary


  • “I’d rather drive behind an L-driver between cork and Donegal than watch love island!” - Ruairi en route to Dublin


  • “Morning Paula, I’d rather go at my arse with a rusty cheese grater” - Cheers, Conor


  • “I'd rather listen to another breakfast show than watch that drivel!” - Paul on the way to Belfast


  • “I'd rather my liathroidi be dragged across 25yrd of broken glass and then take a salty bath than watch Love Island” - Derek in Cork


  • Message was 'I would rather look directly look at the the sun than look at Love Island!” - Ronan Campbell Galway


  • “Paula I'd rather get a foot pedicure from a shoal of piranha as the same time getting a massage from an angry bear, all the while petting  a hungry Tasmanian devil and trying to tickle his belly.... Oh who's an angry little Tasmanian Devil” - Jeff


  • “I would prefer to go to the bog, strip naked and be ett by midges!” - Patrick in Kerry


  • “Hi Paula, I’d rather chew on a thorny bush while sitting on barbed wire than watch Love Island.” - Dave, Cork


  • “Accept invitations to play Facebook games!” - Mairead K in Cork en route to the gym