When is a pun fully mature? When it's fully groan!

Reading about Leicester Comedy Festival's Pun Championship this morning, I decided to hold the Official* Irish Pun Championship on Early Breakfast this morning. And I was inundated with terrible and brilliant puns from all over the country. They were... punderful! 

Here are the best puns from today - Happy Punday! 

 

  • The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

 

  • Hi Sweepea Mac... conjunctivitis.com - it’s a site for sore eyes!

 

  • I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

 

  • Morning Paula, if a wild pig killed you, does that mean you’ve been “boared” to death? HAHAHAA!

 

  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

 

  • My mate lost a bet and had to paint the whole house red. Scarlet for him!

 

  • My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

 

  • I don't trust the stairs in my house..... they’re always up to something 

 

  • So what if people don't know what apocalypse means... it's not the end of the world

 

  • I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself, this is the last thing I need.

 

  • Paula, what’s the difference between a stoat and a weasel? You can recognise a stoat weaselly enough. But a weasel is stoatly different!

 

  • Morning Paula... I was chatting to the local Undertaker last week.....he told me his business was Dying but that he would be the last person to let me down!

 

  • Did ya hear about the fella who invented the door knocker? He got the no-bell prize!

 

  • If ya need an ark I noah guy

 

  • There was an explosion in a cheese factory in France.  There was De~Brie everywhere!

 

  • I used to have this dream where I was swimming in endless amounts of orange fizzy liquid but it was just a fanta-sea...

 

  • I hate tacos, said no Juan ever! C’mon Paula, hit that button.

 

  • I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why!

 

  • Morning Paula, I bought a television for 20euro over the weekend, the volume button was broken but for that price I just couldn't turn it down.

 

  • Paula I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

 

  • Hi Paula, what do u call an alligator with a vest on? An investigator hahaha!

 

  • .. I don’t like the new coins they are thinking of introducing... but then again I hate change!

 

  • I just found out I'm colour-blind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

 

  • Hiya Paula, best pun for me was the newspaper headline after Inverness Caledonian Thistle beat Celtic many moons ago. It read 'Super Caley go ballistic Celtic are atrocious'. It's simply a work of art!

 

  • Paula I used to do the hokey pokey but I’ve turned myself around!

 

  • Good morning Paula, loving all the puns from the truck drivers,  they are very articulated!

 

  • Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? A retail store!

 

  • Hi Paula what Spice Girl can hold the most petrol? Gerry can!

 

  • I sent 10 entries into a local pun competition, I was sure 1 of them would win but no pun in ten did. 

 

  • Hi Paula, I had to get rid of the stair lift in my house- it was just driving me up the wall.

 

  • These Olympians who come on the telly and tell everybody what they have had to sacrifice.What do they want? A medal?

 

  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says sorry we don't serve food.  

 

  • Hi Paula. When is a pun fully mature? When it's fully groan!

 

  • Bought the world's smallest Zoo last year. It only had one dog in it ... it was a Shitzu.

 

  • I used to work as DJ but got sacked after only an hour  I was a record breaker!

 

  • I used to live in Switzerland - the flag was a big plus!

 

  • Did you hear about the baguette in a cage? It was bread in captivity.

 

  • Good morning Paula, what is the best singing Computer? A dell

 

  • A dog walks into a Saloon in the Wild West with his Leg in a sling and says “ I’m looking for the man who shot my Paw “

 

  • What do you call a blind stag? No eye-dear!

 

  • Me and my recliner...go way back

 

  • Travelling on the M50 every day is taking a toll on me

 

  • How do u find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints

 

  • I'd  love to tell you my brilliant chemistry pun but I know I won't get a reaction

 

  • Morning Paula, I didn't want to believe my Dad was stealing from his job as a construction worker but when I got home all the signs were there!

 

  • Sweet P, for the morning hat’s in it I’d love a beanie, not sure if you’re putting a cap on the amount you give out though...