The 80s. A great time to be alive. Unless you were a British coalminer or a resident of sub-Saharan Africa. We’re talking shoulder pads, we’re talking Rubik’s cubes, we’re talking break-dancing, we’re talking Big Ed Loves Mona. Happy days.
There were many notable and stand-out songs throughout the decade, but what if some of those songs were written today? How best could they reflect the world we live in now? Let’s take a look at a few.
'Total Eclipse Of The Online Shopping Cart'
"Turn around bright eyes", so sang Bonnie Tyler on her 1983 smash hit 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'. But who was bright eyes? Why was bright eyes being asked to turn around?
Nobody knows, and nobody cares. The bigger question concerns Bonnie Tyler’s online shopping habits.
Like us lesser mortals, does Bonnie experience the anguish of that moment when your online shopping cart bill eclipses that of your available funds? No, probably not, because she’s loaded.
'Girls Just Wanna Have Huns'
Cyndi Lauper’s big bopping banger 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' contains the line: "I want to be the one to walk in the sun / Oh girls they wanna have fun". Easy knowing it was 1983.
You can’t be walking around in the sun nowadays, certainly not in a pair of your best Penneys platforms, denim shorts, ‘Live Laugh Love’ tee, your best hun bun, and extra extra large hoop earrings.
What was she thinking? Then again, it was 1983 and now it’s... *checks calendar* ... 2018. 'Girls Just Wanna Have Huns', that’s what we do be singing now, for all the huns everywhere.
'In The Eir Tonight'
Phil Collins, owner of the world’s largest model railway, claimed he could "feel it coming in the air tonight" in his 1981 top chart-thrasher In The Air Tonight'. Easy knowing he wasn’t talking about broadband.
Where is Phil Collins when you need him to sing about the substandard provision of broadband in this country? Sitting on a pile of money in his mansion playing with his model trains, that’s where he is.
The modern version of this song, 'In The Eir Tonight', represents the nation’s internet-deprived unfortunates. We need broadband! Tonight, not six months from now.
'Don’t Stop Believing....Or Do, Because You’ll Never Afford A House'
Journey certainly took us on a journey with their whopping whopper of a chart topper 'Don’t Stop Believin’, way back in 1981.
Steve Perry and his motley band chums were on to a good thing though: it has since gone double platinum in the UK, while in the US the song has gone gold on physical sales, as well as double platinum in ringtones (which is kind of sad) and five times platinum on digital sales.
Those guys can all afford a house. In fact, they could buy several houses each I’d say. Unlike young Irish people. We can’t even afford to rent a shoebox on the outskirts of an abandoned industrial estate next to a condemned tannery beside a haunted graveyard. Journey need to update this song and send it to the government.
'Dancing In The Dart'
Ah who could forget the fresh-faced thrilled-skinny Courtney Cox as Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen pulled her out of the crowd and up on to the stage for the video to his sizzling skyrocketing single Dancing In The Dark? Nobody, that’s who.
Yet the question must be asked: could you get up to the same level of unruly japes and hilarious high jinks on the Dublin Area Rapid Transport, i.e. DART? There would be only one way to find out. Come on over to Tara Street in Dublin Bruce, and hop on a Dart to Dun Laoighre, and see if anyone wants to get up and dance with you while you perform your trademark song. They’ll tell you to get lost so they will.
'Don’t You Want Me (GDPR Update Version)'
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