"You've a head on you like a foot!"

If there was an insult Olympics we would win gold every single time.

Ireland are the champions of the put down and here's the evidence.


The Muireann O'Connell show asked listeners from every County to send in their favourite local insult.

We have also compiled the best and put them in their respective province.

Before we start here's a few crackers sent in by WhatsApp Audio. Just click on play.

Shona in Derry:

Johnny from Cork:

Aidan from Kerry (what's a curny loaf lads?)

NOW GET READY TO ARM YOURSELVES - pencil and paper at the ready:



"He would eat an apple through a tennis racket. "

"He's that mean he only breathes in."

"He's as tight as a fish's arse" 

"He's as lazy as the fella that designed the Japanese flag"


"He is as thick as a double ditch"

"I wouldn’t ride him into battle"

"She’s so nosy she’d go down your throat for news"


"If leather were brains, he wouldn’t have enough to make a saddle for a parrot!"

 "I wouldn’t ride you if you had pedals"


"If I asked you a penny for your thoughts you'd have to give me change!"


"They call him the bungalow, Nothing upstairs" 

"Does his arse ever get jealous of the shite coming out of his mouth."



"You're just like a blister u pop up when the work is done"

"If there was work in the bed, he'd sleep on the floor."

"If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose!!"


"He's that mean he'd owe himself money." 


"Head on you like a foot" - 

"Set of nipples on you like Scania wheel nuts!"

"He's as much use as a one legged man in an arse kicking competition."


"Head on you like a snackbox."

"Come on you coward and face the thirtyten of us."


"You’re as horny as a badger with 2 mickeys!"


He’s the butt end of a budgeen.

They’re as tight as two coats of paint.


"She’s as ignorant as a sow in reverse "


He's that lazy he thinks Matt Cooper does the Breakfast Show!  


"He has a face on him like he's trying to eat an apple through a letter box"



"She’d catch the bouquet at a funeral"


"There's more brains in a ring of black pudding than that fellas head."

"He's so tight, it would hurt him to break wind."


"That lads useless he'd break a crowbar in a bog"



"You’re as useless as tits on a bull."

"That lad hasn't hands to maul dog shite."

"She'd eat cabbage out of a mug!"

"He's as dry as last year's turf!" 


"Those people are so rough, they'd ate you without salt" 



"Did you forget to put your bra on, or did your knees swell up again ;)  "   

"If work was a disease you’d live forever."

"Your that cute you could peel an orange in your pocket with a boxing glove on!"


"your that thin you have to run around the shower to get wet"

"Her eyebrows are that bad she looks like she went to Ash Wednesday TWICE!"


"She's that thin she like a pair of walking knitting needles"

May the hairs of you’re arse turn to mallets and beet the shite out of ya.

There are so many insults but we only have space for so many. If we missed ANY please email moc@todayfm.com and we will add them.