Yes we know it’s the baby Jesus’ birthday and a time for spiritual reflection with your beloved family and friends but REALLY Christmas is essentially a 2 week shopstacle course where we over spend on things so people won’t be mad at us.
Yes Christmas shopping brings the best AND worse out in us all so we thought we’d try and make the self inflicted stress-test easier by highlighting 5 of the folks you will encounter during your sweaty spree.
1. The Smug F*****
Maura will pick her time perfectly. Having observed the vein throbbing out the side of your head and with lethal precision, she will ask how you’re getting on with your shopping. You’ll mistake this for kindness and burst into tears whilst curling into the foetal position. You ask her how hers is going and it’s then she strikes. "Oh sure I got all mine done in August...much easier" and as you douse yourself in petrol she’ll issue the killer blow "Well best of luck with yours". We all know one. We all hate one.
2. The Panicker
Pat thinks it’ll be grand. He went into town the last two Saturdays but sure the place was black. No, Pat will outmanoeuvre the masses by taking a half-day off during the week and getting his bits then. Pat is now running about piles of discarded jumpers in Arnott’s muttering curses under his breath whilst stuffing ANYTHING that might look like it could fit his wife into one of the 30 bags hanging of his fingers.
Let’s not fool ourselves children! 87% of us are 'Panicking Pat'.
3. The Perfect Presenter
Saoirse has ‘The Gift’ of gift giving. She will have quietly and kindly taken note of even the most subtle mention of something you liked and will make sure she has it wrapped beautifully for you. You will open it and your heart will firstly fill with warm fuzzy joy at how thoughtful she has been but this will soon be filled with dreadful shame as you realise that in return you got her a voucher for the local ESSO shop.
4. The Scrooge
Alan is one of those lads that will not pass any opportunity to harp on about how commercial Christmas has become, how the amount of money people spend is absolutely outrageous and that people have lost the run of themselves entirely. No he got a small orange and a pointy stick when he was young and he was happy to get it.
Alan doesn’t hate Christmas...he hates spending money. We hate Alan.
5. The Oh No I’m Grander
Aoife does it every year. Each year you ask her what she’d like and every...single...year she’ll say ‘Oh God nothing at all, STOPPIT! Honestly don’t be worrying about it, there’s nothing at all I need no I’m grand honestly’. You will beg her to give you even the tiniest of hints but her protestations will become even more shrill and dramatic about how you’re not get her a single thing. Let there be no mistake...Aoife wants a present...she wants a present bad!
