If we’re to be honest, us Irish above all other nations, love hearing how great we are. We never tire of hearing about how hysterical, lyrical, mystical, magical and cylindrical we are (ok, I ran out of –ical words).
If false modesty was an Olympic Sport we’d take all 3 podium places and then when offered the medal go ‘Me? Arra go on out of that sure will you go away sure I never win anything’ before violently grabbing the medal and pushing the other two off.
So we get it... We’re brilliant!
Yet there is a dark side to the fun and freckled facade... we as a nation are an awful dose of drama queens when the mood takes us.
Build a duel carriageway with our bare hands out of blood and rocks, play 60 minutes of hurling and have a lasagne in the oven by midday? Yer grraaaand Pat! Wait who put the empty butter back in the fridge? That’s it! I’m emigrating!
Yes we Irish are world renowned for producing the greatest work of drama in literature and it is little wonder considering how naturally gifted we are at creating it and is it any wonder we’re so good at building considering how quickly we can build an extension on a molehill?
Well here are some of the worst things that can ever happen ever to anyone... ever!
1. There’s Nothing In Penneys.
Do you remember when the children see Willie Wonka’s chocolate factory for the first time in the film? The wide eyed joy as they scamper about the various wonders on show? Well for some people this is what it’s like walking into Penny’s. You can almost hear George Hamilton’s famous words ‘A Nation Holds Its Breath’ as you walk in with €20 in your hand and 50 items on your mind. Yet let dismay and disgust be unconfined if you can’t find that top for tonight. You flounce out hating it and yourself for daring to dream.
2. The death has occured of... your phone!
It’s often said that ‘Irish people are great talkers’ and therefore we’d go out without pants on before we’d leave without our mobile phones. We need its reassuring glow like Thor needs his hammer. Yet when said phone is running low on battery life we instantly turn into E.R doctors
‘Yeah my phone is dying... it’s almost out of life... for the love of god has somebody hand me an i-phone 5 charger... THAT’S AN I-PHONE 4 CHARGER GOD DAMMIT!... Noooooo!... call it... it’s died... *pause*... it’s dead... dead dead like’.
3. Are you being served?
If we’re being entirely honest, walking into your favourite boozer on a night out, feels like you’re in a slow-mo movie scene. You’ve been looking forward to this all week. You’re out with your crew and you already have the montage of the night ahead playing in your head. There will be bants, beers and belly laughs. The bargirl smiles a knowing welcome...yes this is going to be a good night. Then as you slowly swagger to the bar, winking at all the locals you’re but seconds away from your first sup. Then as your eyes adjust, the horror of your situation becomes clear, the bar is packed. Suddenly you’re now in a David Attenborough documentary, one of many thirsty beasts battling it out at a receding watering hole. Your mouth recoils in dry terror as you begin the age old sequence of choreographed mimes in an effort to gain an edge over your rivals. Eye contact is vital. You crane your neck and open your eyes wide. Your mouth opened your head follows the movements of the nearest bar staff like you’re a spectator at Wimbledon. There’s a gap! You shrink your upper body, flip it sideways and dip towards it. You can almost touch the counter. An elbow the size of a thigh appears and nudges you back. You turn on your heal and return to your pack. ‘Ah this place is rubbish!’ and a mass flounce out occur.
4. Antisocial Media
As previously mentioned, the Irish love an auld bit of communication. From toothlessy whispering tales of the little folk around a turnip fire to now instagramming photos of the intestinal progress of their ‘fab brunch with the girls’, we have an ancient desire to know and inform what’s going on. Facebook has brought out the very best in our genetic CV, from side busting videos about Mammy’s roaring for some reason to well meaning misquotes from historical figures (as great a man as Ghandi was, we’re pretty certain it was Miley who first uttered ‘Well Holy God’). That said Facebook can also hammer at our flouncing nerves in the blink up an update. If you have spent an inordinate amount of time carefully whittling away at a witty post, smiling smugly to yourself as you dream of surfing on a wave of thumbs and ‘ha ha has’, you click post and let the hilarity percolate. You check back in later. 2 notifications. Wait...what? You click on the little world. There must be something wrong. An invite to that eejit from account’s 40th and a single ‘Ha’ from your best friend. A single ‘Ha!!’...this is known as a pity ‘Ha’ in the world of Facebook flouncers. It’s actually worse than a photo of your friend vomiting in horror at the unfunniness of your effort. Your eyes fall to the post below. Maura’s ugly child is eating a crayon...78 likes and 46 comments. You slam the laptop shut.
5. Everybody’s talkin’ at me!
Irish people love live music and as has been firmly established, we love to talk. Yet when these two lovebirds meet... IT’S MOIDER! Some people go to a gig to stroke their chins and nod knowingly at the music, others pay for the privilege to stand in a circle and chat loudly...with backing music. ‘Chatters’ are quite literally the worst humans that have ever lived and this is just science. That said, recent years has seen the rise of a virulent strain of gig goers, the dreaded ‘Shushers’. A concert of whatever size is still, despite its prime objective a social situation. Shushers will not accept ANY bodily noise of any description within earshot. A squeaky shoe can cause their head to whip around like a snake as the spit out a venomous ‘Shh’ in your direction. The plague has reached ironic proportions as this scribe has literally witnessed a Shusher shushing another Shusher... for shushing!
So tell us, what grinds your gears?
