Glam rock is a rightly maligned genre of music, as plastic and tacky as a sequined spandex onesie.
Putting aside the brilliance and importance of T. Rex, glam rock left us no legacy of merit. Wizzard, a band without one practitioner of magic among them, were a 1970s UK glam rock band with a single memorable hit: ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day’.
It wasn’t a Christmas number one, having been beaten to the top spot in 1973 by Slade’s ‘Merry Xmas Everybody’, but it’s still regarded as a festive classic.
However, isn’t it about time we called out Wizzard’s preposterous desire to celebrate Christmas every day?
It’s all well and good bandying about absurd suggestions such as this, but have they really thought through the consequences of their outlandish notion?
IBEC’s retail monitor tracking survey in 2016 found that the average Irish household spends €2,587 on Christmas. This was a €26 increase on 2015, so let’s say the same increase applies for 2017, which would bring the average spend to €2,613.
If we were to have Christmas every day, the average Irish family would be spending €953,745 annually on a recurring festive blowout. Who has that kind of money?
Consider the economic implications of this unrealistic proposal by Wizzard. Of course there would be beneficiaries: the turkey farmers, the toy manufacturers, the Christmas tree growers and the off licenses.
Yet the fiscal apocalypse would be instant and unavoidable. GDP would fall off a cliff as the nation’s workers down tools and spend their time sitting around scoffing sweets, watching Elf and deliberating whether or not it’s socially acceptable to have a gin and tonic before midday.
Public services would grind to a halt. Tertiary sector industries, such as tourism, would be irreparably damaged, the media would eventually drive themselves demented with the constant churn of ‘best gift ideas’ features and ‘ranking the best Christmas films’ lists, and the government would be on a constant recess.
Hey, are they ever not?
Eventually society would become two-tier: a nation of gout-riddled, overweight, Christmas jumper-bedecked sloths, subservient to a super-elite class of mega-wealthy turkey farmers.
Is this what you wanted Wizzard? Is this your vision of a Christmas-Every-Day future? Shame on you for even suggesting this idea, never mind penning an irresistibly upbeat ditty about it.
May we work together to ensure this horrific vista never happens, and let us ban Wizzard’s Christmas song forever more.
