The gym is many things to many people. To some it is a shiny church where you get to purge your bodily sins in the hot pursuit of physical perfection. To others it is a modern day torture chamber, heavy with sweat, shame and satan’s cd collection.
Whether you want to get more built or less guilt, the gym has one purpose
that unites all shapes and sizes...it is one of the greatest ‘people watching’ arenas around.
So here are the Top 5 People You See In Every Gym:
1. Muscle Marys
To quote Clive James, looking at these lads is like witnessing ‘a brown condom full of walnuts’ lifting things up and putting them down. These perma-tanned titans, whose bodies seems to be expanding like an orange universe as they lumber grimly from one machine to the next, their spacehopper arms at such an odd angle that they resemble a child doing an airplane impression.
2. Grunters
Also known as Gaspers, Groaners and Puffers.
Between Avicci screeching from the speakers, the batter and clang of the machines, gym instructors yelping encouragement and my own gentle sobbing, the gym is a noisy place. Yet the showboating snorting and grandstanding grunting that goes on, you could close your eyes and easily imagine you’ve wandered onto the set of a porn film! (the german techno and smell only add to this image).
I’d like to make special mention of the dreaded Droppers here too.Much like the Grunters, they need to make you aware of how hard they are pushing themselves but in their case this communicated by the dropping of their weights to the floor in a crash of self congratulation.
3. Gazers
A gym mirrors’ purpose is obvious. For some, they are vital to ensure optimum technique and posture during your workout...but for the many they are merciless bullies pointing at your red sweaty head.
Yet there is a breed of gym jockey to which the mirrored walls of a gym provide them with countless space and opportunity to simply gaze upon themselves from every conceivable angle. They flounce and flex and confirm their definition whilst really confirming the definition of something altogether different and untypable here.
4. Shouters
As we’ve established, the gym is a cacophony of sound but there should be one haven of hot sweaty peace...the steam room. Personally, I treat the gym as an elaborate obstacle course between me and the steam room. If I can survive the many dastardly challenges that lay before me in this Temple of Doom, I will fulfil the real purpose of my visit by happily sweating on it’s shelf like a lump of slowly boiling bacon.
This cloudy dream is often ruined by the arrival of some loudmouths who will shout through the vapour about their exploits over the weekend whilst picking at the dead skin on the soles other feet.
5. Flashers
Many in the changing rooms of a gym have much to be proud of. Be it the body parts they have worked hard to achieve or those particular parts they are just naturally gifted with..ahem!
There are some who treat the changing room as an exhibition hall with a display that makes Crufts look like Shelbourne Park. To misquote the aptly chosen ‘Red Hot Chilli Peppers’…’Put It Away Put It Away Put It Away Now’!
Whilst we’re finishing in the changing room as any visit to the gym does, special mention should also be made of those who use the HAIRdryers to dry those hard to reach places. There has been a recent development in drying technology…it’s called a towel. ..USE IT!!!
