You can deny or escape it no longer. It’s officially Christmas people. Love it or hate it there’s no denying it and if there’s one element of the festive shenanigans that folks love/hate the most, it’s the office Christmas party.
Some have already kicked off (in every sense) so we thought we’d take a look at the 5 people you encounter at EVERY Christmas office do.
1. The Dark Horse
Gareth works in finance. Nobody is quite sure at what exactly, or where he lives or even what age he is. He is baby faced yet walks with the hunched stoop of a pensioner and his banter amounts to a nod of the head or a thin smile. He wears a Mammy ironed shirt tucked into slacks which rest an inch too high above a pair of hush puppies. He wore jeans once...they were ironed. The one thing you do know about Gareth is that once a year...at the Christmas Party...Gareth turns into a demented animal. At the very sniff of a Jager bomb he’ll be either trying to punch or snog a superior whilst clearing the dance floor with his shirtless Cossack dancing. Gareth will wake up in a wheelie bin wearing a balero cardigan.
2. Judge Judy/Jim
The Christmas Party offers many the opportunity for people to let their hair down, air grievances, act on a crush or in some cases to quit spectacularly. Yet know this! There is one amongst you who will purposely remain sober for the evening. They will appear to drink by drinking virgin cokes and tonics and some will even feign the odd wobble for full assimilation. These people want to witness and take note of every indiscretion, bad choice and drink fuelled foolery that happens so they can lodge it directly into their judgey bank. They will only reveal themselves the following day,weeks and months ahead with statements such as ‘Ah Jim, you were in some state at the party...do you remember what you said to Deirdre about her baby being hairy?’...’Claire...is everything ok with you and Tina?...You don’t remember??’. These people are...THE WORST!
3. The Cryer
Michelle was seeing Diarmuid from sales for 6 months (if you count the time he smiled at her in the kitchen) but unfortunately a week before the party Diarmuid ended matters. Michelle is devo but sees the party as a chance to either win him back or at least fit into a dress revealing enough to show him what he’s missing. Michelle will spend the majority of the party having friends dab teary mascara off her face in a cubicle as Diarmuid slow dances to ‘Last Christmas’ with now ex friend Roisin.
4. The Sleaze
As we’ve probably established, Christmas parties bring out the best and (mostly) worst in people. The party planets align for one particular predator that will use the opportunity to make advances on the objects of their unwanted affection. Having neither the guts or in most cases charm to do anything about their desires during the year, they will usually get so loaded on ‘dutch courage’ that they will think their own reflection is flirting with them.
5. The Drunk Boss
Let us be straight. No good will come from engaging with a sizzled superior. None! They are to be avoided at all costs. Why? Because any of the resulting scenarios are bad for you.
1. They are so drunk they reveal how much they hate your work, dress sense, hair, car, your Facebook profile picture...essentially everything you have or will ever do. They may forget telling you this but you will not.
2. They are so drunk that they tell you how much they love you...how they love those new shoes you bought and how sexy you look in meetings when you’re taking notes. Their wife doesn’t understand their needs and...well...you get the rest.
3. They let you in on some INCREDIBLY sensitive information about the company that could possibly land you, your family and your dog in jail.
If you’re lucky, they may be too drunk to remember but you will never know. Stay.Away!
Anyways...there you have it....NOW GO PARTAYYYYY!
