People that work in an office can often spend more time with their colleagues than they will with their friends and family. The office can often bring out the best and worst traits in all our personalities and can provide the perfectly air conditioned laboratory for some serious social observation ...aka being judgey about folks in your office.
So here are our Top 5 People you see in any Irish office*
*Now all of these apply to men AND women
1. The Joker
Two people could work in an empty portacabin the size of a phone booth and 1 of them will think they’re hilarious. These lads will whisper an incredibly inappropriate joke about the new girl in accounts before making sure they get everyone’s attention by braying like a donkey and slapping the unfortunate recipient about the upper body. Office jokers are at their worst at Christmas parties and general at after work drinks and are to be avoided at all times. They are also most likely to be living with their Mam.
2. The Queen Bee
It’s no coincidence that offices are often called ‘hives’ of activity as each worker bee buzzes about doing their bit to make everything hum! This clunky metaphor can therefore include the presence of ‘The Queen Bee’. The QB has been there longer than most and keeps a careful watch on every aspect of office life. It would be in fact more accurate to relate their presence to a spider as they will be instantly aware of any twitch on their office web. Control of all the gossip and the latest office power rankings is theirs and for newbies, succeeding at the interview stage is the least of their worries as acceptance by the real boss still awaits.
3. The Smug Health Nut
You’ve just plumped back down at your desk with a satisfyingly heavy roll from Centra, a bag of crisps under your armpit and a bottle of coke. You slice the roll wrapping open with your thumb and just as you’re licking a bit of stray mayonnaise off it THEY loom over your shoulder. ‘You sure you got enough there Tom??’ You turn around to Declan in full gym gear bouncing up and won on the balls of his day-glo runners. ‘Just jogged back from crossfit there...picked up a kale smoothie...totally fills me up for the day....is that coke?....would you not try hydrated water?....nuts are great as a healthy snack....I never eat after 2pm....’ You think to yourself...’How many calories would you burn throwing Declan through a window?’.
4. The Dark Horse
Every office has one. The quiet one that sits quietly at their desk for the day. Smiles thinly at ‘The Jokers’ japes and generally actually gets their work done. Never rude just apart.
Then you introduce alcohol into the equation and there’s Mary swinging out of the boss like he’s a stripper pole before sobbing her undying love to the bouncer who’s dragging her off the table she’s been twerking on.
It’s always the quiet ones!
5. The Martyr
Jim’s been there for a long time...too long and he doesn’t waste a moment reminding everyone. Every task is met with a sigh and a mutter. Every paper jam is met with a frustrated face palm and nobody is met without an eye roll and shoulder shrug. Jim leaves at 5.00.00pm
